Any road that spans 243 Kilometres that has as much natural stunning beauty as Megan Fox in Transformers 1 could 100% be described as great. In fact if it’s Megan Fox level of beauty it could even be described as more than great, but great to us seems very fitting. Whoever decided upon the name did a ‘great’ job marketing it out. Overselling it as the ‘Amazing Road’ would leave many people as disappointed as when your parents get you Diet Coke when you ask for normal Coke. Yet they obviously didn’t call it the pretty average road as it’s not that compelling or a selling point. Who would be buzzing by a road that is made out to be as average as your local town roads.
The question is for people who haven’t embarked upon the Great Ocean Road, is that well, is it actually great? Let’s break it down.
We’ve all seen roads, we all know a bit of tarmac with lines painted to separate lanes isn’t that aesthetically satisfying (unless that’s what you’re into, you do you boo). The road itself is literally just a road, a fucking long road but still a road. What sort of sucks you into the Great Ocean Road is the town of Torquay.
Torquay is the official start of the Great Ocean Road, most believe it’s where the Memorial Arch (over head sign) is however, it is the town of Torquay. Torquay is like the pre drinks of the road. It’s a lovely town that is an incredible spot for surfing if you’re into your surfing, but if you chose to plow on straight through then it’s not like you’re missing a major attraction. The town and route through it has some lovely views that really set you in the mood for the road itself. Torquay is where you’re excitement really starts to grow. It’s basically the feeling of when you’ve finished your make up or gelled your hair, put your outfit on and started to feel yourself. As soon as you hit the memorial arch, that’s where the main show starts.
The memorial arch is your first real big attraction of the journey. The arch is only 33km or a 30 minute drive according to my pal Google Maps from Torquay. The arch itself is not really a stop off and take photos attraction. More of a drive by and snap a photo attraction, like a welcome to this country or area sign. Yet it’s a little bit more and still an attraction you don’t want to miss taking the photo of before you pass by. The Memorial Arch is basically when you’re enter the taxi after pre drinks and heading off to your destination, you’re even more excited and ready to get at er!
After the arches you’ve entered the main event. You’re out of the taxi and heading into the venue to dance your face off. The Great Ocean Road and all its beauty is here. The window becomes your new best pal, you’re face is stuck to it like you’ve become a dog who’s been left behind in the car. Everything along the road is stunning, every shade of blue reflecting in the sea from the sunlight piercing through the sky. One of life’s moments of bliss driving along the road, tunes blaring and taking everything in. That part of the night where you’ve got your first drink, one of your fave songs comes on and you get lost in the music.
Despite the moment of bliss driving along, your body is still present and hunger will become a factor. Even if you’ve stuffed your face with Tim Tams whilst your alcoholic mate is cracking open their 3rd VB within an hour, Apollo Bay is still the place to make a stop off for food. For long stretches it’s just the ocean, rocks and cars with nowhere screaming out for you to go fill your human function of needing to feed yourself.
59km or 1 hour and 10 minutes of window licking and staring into the ocean from the Memorial Arches, Apollo Bay comes. Apollo Bay is the perfect place to stop to get a variety of food, fuel up, grab more snacks and convince the alcoholic mate that water is better than VB. The Bay is the ideal break in play to split up the road. Sort of that part where you’ve drank a little, danced a lot and kinda need a sit down to people watch and regain some energy. When the energy picks up again, pitter patter get right at er and drive along to the peak. The main attraction. The MVP of the Great Ocean Road. The 12 Apostles.
The 12 Apostles is the main attraction of the road. The Quintessential part of what makes the Great Ocean Road not just be a road with nice views. With it being that it also is the most touristy and busy part of the road. The Apostles it’s self is a thing of beauty. Unfortunately there isn’t 12 left anymore after continuous erosion of sea water and weather slowly causing them to get naturally cut away. Despite the number not actually being 12 anymore, they are still a quality thing to witness and genuinely one of the most stunning things in the whole of Victoria. With the amount of tourists and coach travel tours operating tours there, during mid day the main viewing point is swamped with cameras and humans. Strongly recommend to go early evening where there will be less people so you can snap those cute travel pics and make all your pals back home jealous.
The 12 Apostles is like the peak of the night, where you have boogied for ages, sunk a Jäger Bomb and grabbed yourself a sex on the beach. Which you can also do approximately 5 minutes down the road at Loch Ard Gorge.
Only 4.1km down the road from everyone’s favourite Apostles lie the site of Loch Ard Gorge. Lord Ard Gorge was named after a ship, Loch Ard, that used to run aground on Muttonbird Island in 1878. The Gorge is a lot quieter than the 12 Apostles which makes it a lot easier to appreciate it. Whilst at the gorge, there is access down to a small beach which is protected from the strong currents of the ocean. Making it the ideal place to chill out, catch some rays, swim and run along the beach slow motion like you’re the modern day version of Pamela Anderson. Loch Ard Gorge is like the point of night road where it starts to wind down. You’ve reached your peak. You danced the night away. You’ve had a quality time and it’s time to call it a night. Time to make the final decent upon to the end of the road, Warrnambool.
To answer the question asked earlier. The Great Ocean Road is great, no need to sue them for false advertisement. It’s a coastal road with many things to do and sites to witness. The road itself can be drove in one day however it wouldn’t do it justice. Doing it in one day would rush everything too much, you wouldn’t get as much appreciation for it or be able to take in the sites fully. It is best to do it across 2 or 3 Days.
Loser Travels 